he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
