She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
