Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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