Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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