I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
