What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
