You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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