Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
