Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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