How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize