This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
