She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
