I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I will die if light touches me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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