she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
