I wish I could teleport
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
