Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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