My first STD was from a foam party
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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