I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
