I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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