The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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