Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
