We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
