i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
