but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
