So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
