I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
