Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
