if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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