I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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