almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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