I'm lost and stupid without you.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I CAN MOONWALK!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
