You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
