were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
