Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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