This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
