You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
