I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
