Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
