Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize