shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
