the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
