I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
