I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize