my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
