i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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