Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
