I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
