its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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