So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
