Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
