the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
