i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
