She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
