they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
