Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
