You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
